Roy's bad day
by accident prone
Summary: Rule one: Envy plus black magic equals...well, suffice it to say Mustang's day wasn't going to get any better. Ed x Envy [Indefinite hiatus]
1. Black magic

**A/N: I am a bad, bad person. You probably don't care. You're probably thinking something along the lines of "oh, poor person with no life, I shall click on her story out of pity and then I shall sue her for a million billion dollars when my eyes bleed and explode." But I'm going to say it anyway. **

**See, I shouldn't even be writing this. I already have two stories that I should be working on in the Tales of Symphonia fandom. Stories I haven't even touched for, like, a month. Or two. Plus, I'm participating in NaNoWriMo. But I'm gonna write this anyway.**

**Wanna know why? Of course you don't. But I'll tell you anyway. It's because of the plot bunnies. The evil, terrible plot bunnies. Yep. Plus, now my profile won't say "this author is so freakin' lame, she's only written stories of ToS hahahah looooooser." Nope. Because I will now have ONE STORY in a different fandom. I am just that badass.**

**Anyway. Lengthy author's note. If your eyes bleed, please don't sue me. You have been warned. **

* * *

A certain colonel known as Roy Mustang had a problem.

Yes. You see, a certain short (or not so short, it depended on whether or not you were the size of an ant) and blond alchemist hadn't showed up to work. In five days. Now, this would not usually be a problem, but this certain colonel was bored, and he needed something other than the demonic paperwork (work of the devil, surely) to amuse him. Because, really, demonic paperwork was not amusing.

As such, Mustang was now contemplating calling Edward Elric's home phone. Yes. Because this would be much more interesting than paperwork. And would probably end in a snarling, swearing alchemist coming to his office. Which meant that he wouldn't have to do paperwork, at least for awhile.

Cheering silently, convinced all his problems were solved, Roy dialed with renewed vigor.

"_What_."

The familiar voice that answered the phone was decidedly grumpy. Swallowing most of his cheerfulness and joy, Roy said, "Good morning, Fullmetal. Care to explain why you're not in the office?"

"What the—what the fuck's the time?"

"One twenty one," Roy said, joy diminished quite a bit. If that Fullmetal brat had been sleeping…

"Too early," came the sigh on the other end. "Go back to sleep, Mustang."

"One twenty one _in the afternoon_! Get in here!"

There was a pause. "Well, don't you know it, but I just came down with a cold."

Roy's eyes narrowed in suspicion. "Oh, you did, did you."

"Oh. Yeah. It's really bad. Everything's really colorful and spinning and stuff. I think I have a fever. I could die."

"Drugs aren't good for you, Fullmetal."

"Oh, and I'm sure you'd know."

"Look, unless you've got some terminal illness, _get over here_!"

"It's very terminal."

"Uh huh."

"I really need to get back. To my roommate. Or report, or bed, or research, or, you know, all four. Bye!"

"Now wait a—_you _have a roommate? Does Al know about this?"

"Of course he does," Edward scoffed. "What, do you think he's stupid or something? They actually get along quite well. In fact, they're making me homemade chicken soup right now, and I really should—"

There was an explosion in the background, a scream, and a snarled "Fuck, it exploded!"

Roy frowned. He could have sworn he'd heard that voice before…

"So use a fire extinguisher!" Ed shouted.

"What fire extinguisher?"

"I don't know! I assume we have one, but—"

"Aaaaagh! I'm on fire, I'm on fire!"

"Stop, drop and roll, Al! _Stop, drop, and roll_!"

After a few minutes of screaming and yelling in the background, Edward returned to the phone. "Sorry about that. Env—uh…Env…Envita! Yeah. That's her name. She's not a very good cook. Anyway, I'm feeling faint, and I think I might die, so I'm just gonna go now. Bye!"

"Now wait just a minute, you—"

_Click_.

Roy glared hatefully at the phone in his hand.

That just _settled _it.

He was going over to Edward's house and _demanding _that the obviously-not-really-sick idiot get his butt over here and keep him from his paperwork.

* * *

"Envita? _Envita_? What the hell kind of name is that?"

"Hey, you try coming up with a name that starts with 'Env' on the spot! It's not that easy!"

"_Envita_? You made me an _Envita_?"

Envy was scowling—seething, actually. Edward shrugged.

"Just think of it as payback for setting my brother on fire."

"I'm okay now, brother…and I'm sure he didn't really mean to. Right, Envy?"

"Oh, sure." Envy snorted. "If it had been that idiot colonel, though, it would have been on purpose."

"I wouldn't have made up the name 'Envita' for you then."

Al gave them both a very disapproving look. "No setting the colonel on fire."

Edward and Envy exchanged a look and sighed.

Alphonse never let them do anything fun.

* * *

When the knock came on the door, Al and Edward had already gone off, to the store or something. Envy hadn't really been paying attention. He vaguely remembered them saying something along the lines of "Don't burn the house down" and "Don't cause any disasters at all, actually." Which sounded like a fairly good plan.

Envy stood on his toes and glanced through the peephole in the door. He almost squealed with excitement upon seeing that it was Roy Mustang. He had the perfect, perfect thing for this situation! Besides, Alphonse and Edward hadn't said _anything _about torturing (figuratively, of course; they'd already forbidden him from torturing or killing anyone) a certain colonel.

Skipping (yes, skipping), Envy picked up a vial of liquid, squinted at it, then grinned quite evilly. Yes, this was definitely the right one.

* * *

When Edward entered the house, the first thing that caught his eye was the toddler on the couch.

"Um…Envy…would you happen to know anything about the toddler on the couch? You didn't kidnap anyone, did you?"

Envy's grin was a bit _too _happy, and a bit _too _wide. "Nope!"

"Is that a nope to you knowing anything about it—um, him—or about you kidnapping anyone? Please say both."

"Oh, I know who it is," Envy said offhandedly.

"Okay, who is it?"

"Roy Mustang."

There was a moment of silence. Then Ed pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Now, see, that's really _funny_. Because I could have sworn you just said—"

"He's Mustang."

Alphonse, sensing his exit cue, hummed a little tune and picked up the groceries, mumbling, "Well, gosh, you know, I think I should go put these groceries away now…"

"Okay, Envy. Okay." Edward had learned that it helped to stay calm when Envy presented him with a ridiculous situation. Taking a few extra deep breaths for good measure. "So, you're saying that that toddler, right there, is Mustang."

Envy nodded cheerfully.

"Which is a bit impossible, considering he's definitely, like, twenty-five years older than that."

"Nope," Envy said. "I used a magic potion on him."

Now, most people would laugh and call this ridiculous. Of course, those people didn't really know Envy. Edward, however, _did _know Envy, and did know that this was probably not a joke of any sort. No matter how hilarious it would seem later.

"Oh, really? Where did you get the recipe for this magic potion? Or did you just make it from scratch?"

"Of course I didn't make it from scratch. Do I look like a wizard to you? I made it from _this_." Envy then held up a book titled '101 easy black magic spells and potions: for beginners! Third edition.'

Ed stared at for a moment. "I don't suppose you made an antidote?"

"Nope."

"I don't suppose there _is_ an antidote?"

"Uh huh. Page 301."

Ed snatched the book from Envy and flipped through the pages. 284…306…303…299.

He stared. "There's no 301."

"Well, of course not. I tore it out."

Edward's head collided with the book. "Okay, where did you put it?"

"In the paper shredder."

There was a moment of silence as Edward stared at his boyfriend. "You put it in the _paper shredder_?" he all but screamed.

Envy nodded cheerfully. "Uh huh."

"_Why_? Why in _hell _would you think that this could be even _remotely _a good idea? Well, Envy? I'm waiting!"

"I didn't think I'd ever need it."

Edward took several deep breaths. Envy sounded too…too…too reasonable about all this. "So, let me get this straight," he said calmly. "You basically _poisoned _my superior officer—"

"It was pretty much an accident."

"Pretty much?" Edward repeated, looking skeptically at Envy. "How so, 'pretty much?'"

"Well, I admit I _might _have made myself look like his mother, knocked him out with a frying pan, and forced the vial down his throat, but…"

"You knocked him out with a _frying pan_?"

"Only after I messed with his head a little."

"How did you mess with his—no, never mind. I don't want to know." Edward massaged his temples. "Envy, this is a problem. You see, when my superior officer is a toddler, he can't do his work."

Envy nodded. "Which would be a problem if he actually did any work."

"He does do—okay, whatever, fine. You're right. But you see, tomorrow we're getting an inspection done. When he doesn't show up—or, worse, shows up as a toddler—do you know what's going to happen?"

"The gun lady's going to have a hissy fit?"

"Yes, Envy. She is. You know what else will happen?"

"You'll get shot?"

"No, Envy, I will not. I will get fired. Now, this job pays for _food_. Food that I happen to _eat_. Do you know what happens when I—or Al—do not eat?"

"You complain loudly?"

"No, we _die_. See, that's the funny thing about being a human. If you don't eat, _you die_!"

"Well, that's a problem."

"Yes, it is. Also, I won't be able to mooch off my coworkers—because I will not _have _coworkers. Do you see the problem now?"

"Oh." Envy considered this. "Well, that sucks."

"Yes, it does."

"Well, it should wear off in a week or something. He'll age or whatever, so…"

"Meaning tomorrow he won't be a toddler?"

"He'll probably be ten or so. No big deal."

"Yes, I'm _sure _no one will notice that!"

"You worry too much. I'll just pretend to be him. Relax. I've got it covered." Envy grinned. "I think I deserve a kiss now."

"Let me get this straight—you basically _poisoned _my superior officer, messed with his head, _could _be responsible for me getting fired, you intentionally destroyed the antidote, you think that it might be a good idea to pretend to be said superior officer and just hope no one notices how much more capable he suddenly is, and you think you deserve a _kiss_?"

Envy nodded enthusiastically, still grinning.

"You are so sleeping on the couch tonight."

"Aww, Edo, you don't mean that."

"Don't _mean that_? How do you figure?"

Envy grinned. "Because I _know _you don't want to sleep with your superior officer, even if he is a toddler at the time. And there are no extra beds."

Edward considered that. "Fuck," he said.

And at that exact moment, Roy awoke, looked at himself, and screamed in a rather hilariously squeaky voice, "Why the hell am I a kid again?"

* * *

**A/N: All who review receive toddler!Roy cookies. Or maybe cupcakes. Mmm, cupcakes. Or cakes. Ooh, or, or a cake with cupcakes on top and cookies on top of the cupcakes. Yeah. It'll rock and be badass. Reviews are love. Also, I no own.**


	2. To find a solution

**First off, I would like to say that I have lovely reviewers. I mean...you guys just totally made my day. Well, days, considering not all reviews were in one day. Anyway. Thanks to those four lovely people. Wow. Four. I feel giddy. :D**

**Second installment. Roy's day doesn't get much better. How can it? Envy's involved.  
**

* * *

"You're fired."

Mustang had listened to their explanations of why he was now a toddler—well, not calmly, but at least he hadn't tried to incinerate anyone. Which was a good sign. He'd gotten progressively angrier the more they explained, though. Especially when Envy "helped." If by "helping" you mean "making the situation infinitely worse.

Ed thought he was doing it on purpose. Judging by the grin on Envy's face, he was probably right.

"Sir!" Al pleaded. "Please be reasonable…"

"_Reasonable_?" Roy squeaked, still furious. He jabbed a finger at Ed. "He turned me into a toddler!"

"Actually, it was Envy," Ed muttered.

"You should have stopped him."

Ed gave him his best are you _serious_? look. Stop Envy? Yeah right.

"I was at the store with Al," he said instead. "We had to get food. Because someone—" Here he glared at Envy, who was calmly peeling an orange. "—ate all our food!"

"You whine a lot," Envy said, then held the orange peel up. "Look. All one piece."

Ed grabbed it and ripped it in two. "Now it's two pieces."

"I worked hard on that. I'll have revenge."

Ed ignored that. He was too used to Envy's threats of revenge by now to worry too much about it. "Anyway. You can't fire me. I have that stupid contract, remember?"

"I can find a way around that." Roy glared at Ed, who shrugged. He was probably bluffing anyhow. "On another note…_what is our enemy doing in your house?_"

Ed blinked innocently. "Enemy? What enemy?"

"You told me he was dead!"

"Oh, you mean Envy?" Al said. "Don't worry about him, he said he wouldn't exterminate the human race or anything like tha—"

"And you _believed _him?"

"I'm right here, you know."

"You're fired."

"Good job, Envy," Ed said. "You got me fired."

"That means you're going to complain, doesn't it?" Then, to Mustang, he confided, "He complains about everything. If you get him fired, he complains. If you eat all the food in the house, he complains. If you accidentally almost kill his brother, he complains. If you wake him up with ice water, he complains. If you—"

"Shut up," Edward said.

"I'm just saying that you complain a lot."

"Yes, I heard."

"If I threaten to kill his commanding officer, he even complains," Envy said with a sigh. "I bet he'd complain if his commanding officer suddenly turned up dead. Not that it'd be my fault or anything like that."

Roy eyed him warily. Envy grinned back. Finally, he sighed, pointed at Ed again, and said wearily, "I want you to figure out a way to fix this. Now. You have until Monday."

"Well, actually, I do have an idea," Ed said, slightly smugly.

"You want a _medal_ or something?" Envy muttered into his cup of tomato juice.

Edward ignored that. "See, we were all set to make an antidote," he told Mustang. "But a slight problem came up."

Roy glared impatiently.

"Envy sort of ripped the page out of the book. And shredded it."

"Totally an accident."

"Liar. _Anyway_, that's the problem that we have. I think we can find a way around it."

All the same, Roy shot Envy a _I'm going to kill you slowly and cheerfully _look.

"All we have to do is check out a different copy from the library," Edward explained. "Problem solved."

"Well, good. Why don't you—"

"The only _problem _is that all the copies are checked out."

There was a deadly silence, which Envy broke by murmuring rather unsympathetically, "Too bad."

"But we think we can probably get information on who has them checked out, and we can borrow them for five seconds to copy down the antidote recipe."

"And how, pray tell, do you plan to do that? They have confidentiality rules, Fullmetal."

"Bribery."

"Flirting."

"Blackmail."

All three spoke at the same time. Al blushed and looked away, and Ed and Envy gave each other disgusted looks.

"Bribery? That's terrible, even for you."

"At least I'm not blackmailing anyone!" Ed protested.

"I wouldn't actually kill anyone. Your brother would kill me. Besides, if it gets the job done…"

Ed rolled his eyes. "Fine. We'll have Al flirt with them—"

"I'm not flirting with anyone!"

"—I'll bribe them, and you can blackmail them. Okay?"

"No!" Al and Mustang snapped at the same time. Ed and Envy exchanged another look.

"Fiiiiiine." Envy sighed. "I'll flirt with them."

Ed grumbled something, but otherwise didn't comment. Mustang sighed and tried to not think about how that should be _his _job.

* * *

In a house not too far away, a little girl named Elysia was reading a book. Her father took the chance to almost squeal, it was so darling, there was his little girl with a book, and took a few hundred pictures. He absolutely loved digital cameras. _Adored _them, actually.

"Hey, sweetie! Hey? What's that?"

"Daddy," she said primly, closing the book, and looking up at her father, "what's black magic?"

"Ask your mother."

* * *

They had planned this out very solidly. Ed was fulfilling his part right now, which consisted of him checking out a random book and seeing whether the librarian was male or female.

"What's taking him so long?" Envy griped. "How long can it take him to check out one book?"

"Maybe he's flirting with the librarian."

"Maybe they're hassling him about his library fines," Mustang said dryly.

"Nope," Envy said. "He doesn't have any library fines."

"Are we talking about the same person here? Loud? Annoying? Short?" He whispered the last part.

"Uh huh. See, the first time they left me in the house alone, I was bored, so I drew mustaches on all the people in books I could find. And he came back and got mad and said 'You're getting your own library card!'" Envy spoke in a high, slightly squeaky voice for this. "'You can't just ruin my whole perfect spotless library record like that, you delicious hunk of gorgeous meat!"'

Roy coughed. "Uh huh."

"It's true."

"I'm sure."

Ed came out of the library then, teetering from the weight of the…fifteen books he was carrying.

"Well, that explains that," Roy muttered.

"What took you so long?" Envy snapped.

Ed pointed at the books. "Books." Followed by a _duh _look.

"Yes, I see. I hope you don't expect me to help you carry those."

"I'll make it worth your while."

Envy gave Ed an expectant look. Ed gave Envy a blank look.

"Well?" he said impatiently.

"Well, what?"

"Is the librarian a girl or not?"

Ed's expression was still blank, and then realization dawned. "Oh. Right. Just a sec."

He ducked back into the library, mumbling, "I knew I was forgetting something." Envy ground his teeth.

_I'm not patient, Elric._

In another minute or two, Ed came through the door. "Chick." That was all he said.

Envy nodded. "Okay, then."

* * *

**Dun dun DUNNN! Cliffhanger! Okay....not really....whatever. -&- Anyway...reviews appreciated as always...yep, that's about it.**


End file.
